What About Money?

Let me guess: you’ve never argued with your partner about money. Wait, no?

Most couples do argue about money, to be honest: how to spend it (or how to not spend it!), when and how to save, what things take priority… the opportunities for conflict are endless. Compared to non-money issues, marital conflicts about money are more pervasive, problematic, and recurrent, and can remain unresolved.

But with practice, you can eliminate some of those conflicts; and you can also learn to argue better, in the sense of respecting each other and having better outcomes.

How?

Early on in a relationship, many couples discuss their views on marriage, children, and where they want to work and live. Unfortunately, couples rarely sit down together to talk about their financial beliefs and goals.

But it’s never too late to have that conversation. Whether you’ve been in a relationship 10 weeks or 10 years, talking about your money history is a first step to getting on the same page about your finances. Understanding your partner’s beliefs can help you avoid conflict and set the stage for healthy discussions about your joint finances.

Many couples say money causes conflict and stress in relationships, but often it isn’t the money that causes problems, it’s how they communicate about it. For example, no one wants to appear to be selfish. When talking about money leads to conflict, it may feel like the relationship is failing.

Because men sometimes make more money, women think they do not have the right to express their feelings about money. This is more common if the woman does not work outside the home. If the woman does not make decisions about money, it may lessen the worth of the childcare and management she provides in the home.

Some issues relating to money that you need to talk about include…

1.     Goals about money. Be sure to be open and honest with each other, and try to understand each other’s goals about money. Goals change throughout marriage. It is very important to discuss ideas with a partner and understand each other’s differences in order to secure a stable financial future. It is okay to disagree, but work together to make sure decisions make both people happy. You may wish to visit a family financial counselor to help make some of these scary issues make sense with a neutral third party.

2.    What is expected? Expectations play a major role in how easily couples adjust to differences in money management styles. Some families have a discussion before making a major purchase and plan for big expenses like vacation, but others do not. If one partner came from a family that discussed money issues and the other did not, their expectations can differ significantly. Conflicting expectations can lead to constant disagreement over how money is spent. Expectations come from observing family rules about money. All families have rules. Partners can discuss what the rules were in their family growing up, and create new ones for themselves.

3.    Put a plan into writing. There is nothing better for firming up financial plans than putting it in writing. That is why financial counselors and advisors suggest having a written spending plan and updating it as priorities change. You can also find worksheets online that will help develop a good financial picture and make a plan for the coming year.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to managing finances as a couple. But by being vulnerable and sharing information with your partner, you can achieve transparency and avoid guilt and shame that can go along with financial insecurity.

A shared vision about finances puts you on the way to creating a relationship that is supportive, caring, and respectful.