Should You Keep Secrets From Your Partner?

One of the issues we therapists see often in our practices is when a couple comes in for counseling, and one of the clients accuses their partner of keeping secrets from them.

What usually then happens is that the partner protests that it’s not about “secrets”—it’s about privacy. Something else altogether.

Or… is it?

Let’s take a look at these terms. Privacy is about having a life that you don’t share with others, while secrecy is about intentionally hiding information. You may not want to tell your partner about the items you shoplifted when you were eleven years old, and there are few people who would argue that that’s unreasonable. You may also not want to tell your partner that you took money out of a joint account and spent it gambling, but that’s far from a good idea in terms of your ongoing relationship.

Here's a hint: secrets (and we all have them) generally also involve either shame or fear… or both. You may be ashamed you withdrew that money surreptitiously; you may be afraid of the consequences when your partner writes a check off that account you know will bounce. If you’re feeling shame or fear about something you’re not sharing with your partner, chances are good that the thing you are keeping to yourself goes beyond your private life and falls into the secret category.

If you’re secretive, you’re undermining your partner’s trust in you. If your privacy is being regularly invaded, on the other hand, then your partner probably isn’t respecting boundaries within the relationship.

What I’m not saying here is that you need to tell your partner absolutely everything about yourself. In fact, sharing everything can be counterproductive and lead to what we call “couples claustrophobia.”  If you and your partner blend into one inseparable being by limiting the time you spend apart, the relationship can easily get overwhelming and cause one of you to withdraw.

It’s important to keep your identity intact in a relationship–for yourself, for your partner, even for the relationship itself. And privacy is a part of that.

The line between privacy and secrecy can get blurry because of how close you are to one another. The need for space is sometimes interpreted as secrecy; secrecy is sometimes excused as the need for space; and privacy is a term that loses all meaning the moment you secretly scroll through each other’s phones.

Complete transparency in a relationship is worth aiming for; but let’s be honest, we’re all always juggling them in our day-to-day lives. Life isn’t black and white, and good answers are rarely easy ones.

Perhaps instead of talking about privacy and secrecy, what we should be talking about is intimacy. Intimacy is about letting someone see you in your entirety, about trusting them to accept you fully and without judgment. Being transparent in a relationship is the ultimate step toward that goal.