Making a Multicultural Relationship Work
image: Illie Micutistrate for Unsplash
Intercultural, cross-cultural, multicultural—how confusing can all this be? And if the language we use to describe these relationships is so confusing, that’s only a drop in the bucket compared to the relationships themselves!
In some ways, even just having such a relationship is a relatively new cultural phenomenon. It used to be that people from distant communities would never have communicated, much less entered into relationships. But now, with smartphones, globalized economies, online dating and more travel opportunities, it’s more and more common.
Which still doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Different backgrounds offer different perspectives, but they also have different priorities that have to somehow connect—or, at least, be acknowledged. Researchers have found that falling in love is a necessary part of forming a relationship, whereas for both South Asians and East Asians, passion is less of a priority than ensuring the unity of two families. If you start a relationship with different expectations of what it will look like, you’re setting yourself up for problems.
Remember that it’s normal to overly romanticize cross-cultural dating, because of the prominence of this whole “let’s run away together” narrative. Cross-cultural dating can feel spontaneous and exciting, especially if you’re traveling or living abroad at the time. That makes it all the more crucial to take a step back and learn about each other just how you would in “regular” dating culture.
The first step in making it work is communication—true for any relationship, but even more so when your backgrounds are different. The problem is that in multicultural relationships, people tend to just blame culture because it makes things easier. But because both of you are bringing your backgrounds, beliefs, and baggage into the relationship, you have to create a new culture, your culture, based on open communication and in which there is no space for judgment.
Secondly, be transparent and honest about expectations around key issues before you commit. These issues may include religion, children, family, education, and gender roles; parenting roles and sharing childcare; the support you might need if you are feeling removed from your own culture.
Thirdly, set clear boundaries. Discuss the level of extended family involvement you are comfortable with and agree on those boundaries.
Finally, connect with each other’s culture(s). Be open to considering cultural ideas different from your own, and try to understand the significance of each other’s special family occasions, rituals, and customs.
Multicultural relationships can offer unique opportunities for growth and love, but they can also come with distinct challenges. Effective communication, cultural sensitivity, and a willingness to learn and adapt are key to navigating these challenges successfully. Seeking professional support like counseling can also be beneficial.